Ronda Rousey vs. an AH-1Z Viper Attack Helicopter: Who would win?

By Gage Stowers, Staff Writer

One of America’s new favorite pastimes has been pitting former UFC Women’s Bantamweight champion against a never-ending gauntlet of challengers. With Rousey’s recent defeat to Amanda Nunes as well as an outgoing challenge to fight the undefeated Floyd Mayweather, this string of constant escalations can have only one inevitable conclusion: Ronda Rousey in a no-holds-barred grudge match against an eight ton AH-1Z Viper attack helicopter.

Tens of thousands of years of adapt-or-die evolution have produced the perfect apex predator that is Ronda Rousey. Pit that against the twin-engine composite body and military grade targeting systems installed in the AH-1Z and you truly have a battle for the ages. The only problem would be finding a ring durable enough for Ronda’s explosive fighting style.

While the AH-1Z may have the advantage of aerial superiority with an 184 mph cruise speed, it is no match for Rousey’s floor game. What good could nineteen Hydra 70mm rockets do against a grappling technique BJJ described as “devastating at the elite judo level”? The attack helicopter may carry enough armament to level a small Pacific island chain, but it’s no Holly Holm.

Another important aspect to consider is the age of the contestants. Entering service in 2002, the AH-1Z Viper is very young at merely 15 years of age, and therefore inexperienced. On the other hand, Rousey is almost 30 years old. It is difficult to determine whether the juvenile robusticity of the attack helicopter will be enough to prevail over the older, more seasoned fighter.

Ronda Rousey is devastating on the finisher, but it is certainly safe to say that this match would be a lengthy marathon of attrition. The Viper’s 412 gallon fuel tank will keep it from fatigue for quite a while, certainly an asset in the slower-paced opening rounds. The real question is whether Rousey’s power jabs or the AH-1Z’s Hellfire missiles will be able to pack enough punch to secure either one of them a starting advantage.

In a gladiatorial match such as this, there are no rules. For this reason, Rousey gains a distinct leg up. While the AH-1Z Viper attack helicopter is limited to merely being able to outfit its maximum cargo load with 5,700 pounds of conventional weaponry, Ronda can blood dope. So often, these athletic contests are determined by who has the most “pep in their step”. Lance Armstrong blood doped, and look at all he accomplished. All attack helicopters have done is liberate Kuwait.

The two competitors are certainly a worthy match for eachother. However, at the end of the day, I believe Rousey will triumph. If the helicopter divides her in twain with its rotor or blows her to pieces, that will just make more smaller, angrier Ronda Rouseys. And let us not forget Albert Einstein’s famous quote: “The only thing more powerful than a state-of-the-art aerial assault platform is the human mind.”

Photo from Military Factory